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Assessing the Unassessable (and other things you can’t say after too much beer)

How This Works

To judge and assess beers that don’t exist in reality I had to come up with some criteria. There’s the obvious ways of imagining what the beer would taste, smell, or look like, and then applying real world results. But before we get that far we don’t have advertising, store displays, and drinking buddy’s-uncle’s-friend’s second-hand opinion to bias our judgment before the first swig of mead. For better or worse, this does affect the real beers we choose and love to swill.

Categorizing Fictional Beer



First off I’ll put every beer into one of three categories: macro brews, micro brews, and “ad campaign brews” . The first two are obvious, but the last is reserved for those beers produced by the big companies, but given a micro brew advertising blitz to make you think it’s special. This isn’t far off reality.

Traditional Measures

I’m not a pro-beer taster, but I’m above average at drinking it. I don’t know all the little subtleties brewmasters seek, but there are some clear elements to judge in any beer. Therefore I’ll imagine what the beer looks, smells, tastes, and finishes, as well as food pairings.

Untraditional Measures

Since I’m looking at fictional brews there are some things that are taken for granted in reality that I will need to assess.

  • Closest to what real beer(s)
  • Target demographic
  • Could this beer be real?
  • Would we drink it if it was real?

Meaningless Points System

Four stars, 12 thumbs up, five point seven-three, A++++

Here’s my meaningless system of scoring things that don’t exist.

  • 20 possible points for Taste.
  • 10 possible points for advertising and marketing strategy
  • 10 possible points for Realism
  • 10 possible points for WNI

Taste is determined by figuring out what the beer tastes like based on what can be surmised from its appearance in media.

Advertising and Marketing usually doesn’t mean much to beer purists (like myself), so I’ve included it in my reviews.

Realism is a carefully calculated algorithm that measures the beer’s similarity to real beers.

WNI is an estimation of the real world’s need for this product.

A score of 50 means the universe cannot progress until this is brewed. Zero means the universe may end if someone brews this up. Oddly enough though the most realistic beers score around 25.

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Posted by on February 24, 2009 in Site Info


Beer = Life + 1 Louder

What’s more fun than beer?

Well, many things really, but beer sure does put an exclamation point on whatever you’re doing. It makes happiness happier, parties party harder, sadness sadder, and unemployment less dignified.

A Beer before bed...

Beer has been a part of human society since Ephrates and the boys knocked off after another day of slavin’ on the Pyramids. Ancient Greeks, Romans, Shakespeare, Sir Francis Bacon, and America’s founding fathers all had comments on beer. It’s been in the middle of social change from Martin Luther discussing the Protestant beliefs late on Saturday evenings (That’s why Protestants go to church later than Catholics), to Hitler building the Nazi party.

Beer is tasted in all sorts of literature. Beer is chronicled in periodicals, and studied in doctoral thesis, and reviewed in foodie sundries around the world and now on the web. But has anyone ever tasted, tested, chronicled, reported, and discussed the finer points of imaginary beer??!! Yep. I’m doing it now.

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Posted by on February 24, 2009 in Site Info


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