Category Archives: Macro Brews

Beer Math – Pies & Pints, Lexington, KY

Beer Math – Pies & Pints, Lexington, KY

Hey look! A post about REAL BEER on the internet’s only Fictional Beer site.
==> Download the Excel file for Beer Math – P&P <==

A Pies & Pints opened here not too long ago, and I’ve heard some great reviews. I’ve yet to visit so I checked their online menu and found a wonderful table of their 85 beer offerings (plus 2 non-alcoholic brews). So I threw it all into Excel………aaaaand that’s the story of my Tax Day. I spent almost all of Wednesday 2015 April 15 working on beer prices versus ABV. Plus an hour on Thursday, and now this post on Friday. (My job is cool, and has lots of free time.)

The Goal
Find the best ratio of alcohol to cost. This ratio is referred to as Crunk Factor 9000 or Total Cost per Ounce of Alcohol. A lower number is better on this scale.

How to do Drunk Math
Most of the math is straightforward, but I did need to come up with a method. To me a good trip to a bar is going to be about 4 beers over a 2-4 hour period. I’m counting ‘a beer’ as 12 ounces, which is how most beers are sold. So I used 48 ounces as the target amount to be drank. This was easy for 12 & 16 ounce beers, but there were a few beers sold in 22 or 25 ounce sizes. Using some Excel wizardry I found the number of  servings of a beer to not go over 50 ounces.

From that point I figured out how much alcohol you would drink total and the cost. Total cost divided by total alcohol is the Crunk Factor 9000.

In the spreadsheet this is colored from green (cheap) to expensive (red). Sorting by this was a much better determination of how to get a good buzz on good beer.

There’s some more info on the methods and reasoning at the end, but let’s get to the beer.

And the winner is….No. Not That!

The choice of Grover Cleveland (2nd term only)

Voted America’s Best during a time when America was so screwed up at voting we gave the Oval Office back to the guy we kicked out 4 years earlier.

Unlike the Oscars I won’t make you wait until the end. The best beer is clearly Pabst Blue Ribbon!

Okay. PBR is only two bucks at P&P. A great price that is so low it throws off the numbers. The next cheapest beer is twice as expensive. It didn’t take a spreadsheet to figure this out. However at only $6 for 48 oz. of beer you only get a paltry 2.25 ounces of alcohol. Wallet friendly, but not gut/bladder friendly.

Money is dumb.

Money is dumb.

There’s a beer at the other end of the spectrum that is a statistical outlier too. Avery Uncle Jacob’s Stout 2015 is currently one of four featured beers at P&P. At a whopping $18 and 16.9% ABV it’s definitely gonna wallop something. (The little blurb on P&P’s site says 17.4% ABV, but the beer list said 16.9%. Math is based on 16.9%)

But to show why the CF9k score matters this beer comes in at 8.88. Not far from the average of 7.57. This is still a lot of money, but not as bad comparatively to the rest of the menu as that $18 price tag suggests. Four of these will set you back $72, but you’ll also be in a coma with over 8 ounces of alcohol in you. Only 2 of these (24 ounces) would be over 4 ounces of alcohol which would beat out any 48 ounces worth of 70 other beers on this list.

And the Winner REALLY is….
Brooklyn Monster

It's not like your liver was helping with rent anyway. (10.8% ABV)

It’s not like your liver was helping with rent anyway. (10.8% ABV)

At a whopping 10.8% ABV, but a budget friendly $5.50 for 12 ounces Brooklyn Monster scores a healthy 4.24 CF9k. Four of these ales will set you back $22, and you’ll be on the floor with 5.184 ounces of alcohol charging through your liver.

I’ve wondered about this one for awhile. Will try!

The runner up is Dark Horse Scotty Karate which wins the name contest by a landslide. (Say it like Spongebob. Scot-TAY KA-RA-TAY!!!) You save $2, but lose half an ounce of alcohol.
I really want to try this one.

You Chose Poorly Award
Not everyone is looking to get hammered or buzzed even, but love that feeling of a huge bar tab. Look no further than Lindeman’s Framboise. A sweet, tart lambic that costs a ten bucks a bottle. $40 yields only 1.2 ounces of alcohol. A CF9k score of 33.33, which is almost double it’s brother brew, Lindeman’s Faro (17.54 CF9k).

The Five Ouncers Club
There are five beers that offer over five Ounces of alcohol in a four beer drinking session. The bottom three in this list are excellent bang for your buck beers. New Holland’s Dragon Milk is a personal favorite. I even gave it as a special groom’s gift at a friend’s wedding. Very much worth the price in my opinion. (About $16 for a 4-pack in stores.)

Name Price ABV Crunk Factor 9000
Avery Uncle Jacob’s Stout 2015 $18.00 16.9% 8.88
New Holland’s Dragon Milk $9.00 11.0% 6.82
Brooklyn Monster $5.50 10.8% 4.24
Founders Imperial Stout $6.50 10.5% 5.16
Gulden Draak 9000 $8.00 10.5% 6.35

Beer Snobbery Disclaimer
This post has little to nothing to do with taste. It’s simply some math & stats on costs to get buzzed. If you don’t like stouts or ciders or IPAs and won’t drink one of them regardless of cost that’s cool. Personally I don’t like IPAs or ales in general. I prefer stouts & lagers. I’ve got a few simple comments about my tastes, but stats are stats. After the first hour I didn’t even look at the names anymore.
So find what you like & use this as a price guide….or don’t.
Also the two non-alcoholic brews aren’t counted for averages, etc.

How this got started….
Pies & Pints (P&P) listed their beers, price, ounces per serving, ABV, and how they are served. I included all of this info in the first five columns.

First I figured up Price per Oz. What a single ounce of this beer would cost. That was simple but with beers at different sizes and ABV it didn’t tell the whole story. So I color-coded the two columns (Excel feature).High ABV was blue decreasing to red for low ABV. Low cost was blue increasing to red.

Still not clear, but if a beer had two blue cells next to each other. It was probably a good value, but there weren’t many of them.

To be continued…..

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Posted by on April 17, 2015 in Macro Brews, Micro Brews, Reviews


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Löbrau Beer – Futurama

The Beer of Choice for Those That Don’t Care

Bender: Ahh, beer. So many choices, and it makes so little difference.
Fry: How about Löbrau? It has dots on it.

Futurama is quite possibly my favorite show, and if I could live in the year 3000 I’d be drinking Löbrau Beer. Not quite as ubiquitous as Duff Beer, Löbrau is the most popular beer on New Earth.

Bender Lobrau Beer

What We Know

Löbrau is seen in various episodes of Futurama, most often in the hands of Fry and Bender while they sit in front of the TV. Pronounced “low brow,” Leela mentions that the beer is Canadian in one episode. Other than that, there is little known about the brew.

Löbrau is a slight parody of the name Löwenbräu, a 600 year old German beer whose name means lion’s brew. I doubt the writers are knocking the real beer. The obvious comedy is in the name “low brow.”

Advertising Campaign

We’re never given a slogan for this product, but I’d imagine one of the following fit.

  • The beer of choice for those that don’t care about beer.
  • Grip it! Chug it! Love it!
  • When your thirst is big, but your wallet isn’t.
  • Big on flavor! Lö on thought!
  • “Too Lö!” – Endorsed by Zapp Brannigan.

Some may think that LöBrau may have a big ad campaign like Duff Beer. It’s much more likely that the beer survives on a small ad budget, and uses word of mouth among young chuggers everywhere, like Natural Light. In all my years of drinking beer and scanning the Liquor Barn’s seeming endless rows of micro brews I have never seen a big Natural Light display. Ever seen a ‘Natty Light’ superbowl commercial? No, but you’ve been to plenty of parties with plenty of Natural Light. One sign that says “Natural Light – $9.99 per case” is enough advertising. LöBrau is in the same vein and price point.

Taste (or lack thereof) and Appearance

LöBrau has a typical cheap beer color, yellow with lots of bubbles. There isn’t much of an aroma, at least from the beer, but there is plenty of aroma from its drinkers.

LöBrau is exactly what I expected when I imagine tasting it. It didn’t give me a lot to think about. LöBrau has a thin, watery bitter taste with little hops and a light but still bitter finish. The taste is highlighted by way too much carbonation.

Menu Suggestions

I’ve found that LöBrau tastes great with Popplers, Gobbler Weiners, or Bachelor Chow with Angry Norwegian Anchovies.

The Rundown

  • Category: MACRO Brew
  • Taste (20): 4 – It’s cheap beer.
  • Ad Campaign (10): 3 – It relies on its price point rather things like advertising or flavor.
  • Realism (10): 9 – There’s a lot out there like this.
  • WNI (10): 0 – Do we really need to crowd out Old Milwaukee and Natural Light?

Final Meaningless Score – 16 – Drink Slurm instead.

More Info

List of Futurama Products

Upcoming Reviews

I hope to get some Olde Fortran and Pabst Blue Robot in the spring. I’m currently working through a trademark dispute with Sam Adam’s Head Boston Lager so I had to pull that review.

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Posted by on February 26, 2009 in Animated, Macro Brews, Reviews


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Duff & Duff Lite

Can’t Get Enough of that Wonderful Duff!

For my first real review I’ll start with the biggest brew of them all, Duff, and it’s low-cal alternative Duff Lite. Duff is of course the choice of Homer Simpson and most residents of Springfield, USA.

Similar Real Beers

Duff Man will never die! (Only the actor that plays him will.)

Duff Man will never die! (Only the actor that plays him will.)

The Simpsons has used the brew to poke fun at a number of beer brewers, but it is most assuredly a parody on Anheuser-Busch’s Budweiser and Bud Light. There is Duff Gardens, Duff Man, a Duff dog (think Spudz McKenzie), and enough Duff merchandise to fill several craters on the moon.

Duff is cheap, watery, and non-distinct; a typical American lager. Light yellow in color, with little bouquet, little taste, and a slightly bitter finish.

Duff Lite is in a slightly different can.

Any good Simpsons fan will remember the Duff Brewery tour that featured seperate Duff and Duff Lite (and Duff Dry, but that’s another article) vats that all connected to a single pipe before bottling. In other words it’s all the same crappy beer, and the choice of nearly everyone.

Target Audience

Males 15-80.

If you can drink Duff wants you in their world. Of course their world is the even more fictional world where super models are climbing fences in middle-class neighborhoods to party with 30-something father of two with a beer gut.

Ad Campaign

Duff Man and his legion of buxom beer maids are ready to party with you! They are also ready to fire Duff merchandise out of a cannon, drink with a pit bull, salute the troops, remember the veterans, celebrate America, kickoff the Superbowl, sponsor NASCAR, or be the thrown beer of choice at the next NBA game.

You’ll notice I’ve spent more time talking about the Duff image than I have Duff beer. Duff prefers it that way.

Duff vs. Reality

Duff is just another macro-brew like Budweiser, Coors, or Miller, so I can’t see much room for it in reality. Just replace the word ‘Bud’ with ‘Duff’ and you have it already.

The Rundown

  • Category: MACRO Brew – The biggest of the big
  • Taste (20): 5 – Meh. It’s beer.
  • Ad Campaign (10): 10 – Because of Duff Man alone
  • Realism (10): 10 – Sad, but true
  • WNI (10): 1

Final Meaningless Score – 26 -Average, just like Duff.

More Info

Duff on Wikipedia
The Simpsons Wiki

I would like to note that some brewers have made and sold real versions of Duff from The Simpsons. Also there is a canned energy drink made to look very similar to Duff beer.

Upcoming Reviews

I’m reserving Duff Dry and the many other Duff micro brews for another article. Anything that asks you to “Tap into the peppermint glacier” has got to have it’s own moment.

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Posted by on February 25, 2009 in Animated, Macro Brews, Reviews


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