WARNING – There are no transitional sentences in this article.
In the beginning…
I was a fat kid as far back as I can remember. There are photos of me at 3 years and earlier where I wasn’t fat, but I don’t remember those days. I remember fat jokes from kindergarten on, so that’s pretty much the beginning: overweight, big-boned, husky…fat.
Why? Southern comfort food with a sedentary life. Nintendo + Paula Deen like mother = fat. Not to mention too many trips to a local convenient store for Mickey Mouse ice cream bars and such.
5th grade = 265 pounds & basically taking up two seats at the lunchroom table.
Kids say the darndest meanest things
I was picked on. Oh well. I was tall & fat so I bullied some kids too. It evens out. Skipping the tear jerking, but now humorous stories of chubby-dom.
I get to 13, 7th grade. I’m old enough to join a gym. My parents support me in this & take me to a new gym owned by a high school friend of my dad. He was big too, and realized a problem getting winded going DOWN a long flight of steps (uneven chunks of concrete down a hillside).
March of 7th grade year – still 265 pounds
We met a great guy, Jerry, that ran a hard-core aerobics class. It’s misnomer to call what he did aerobics. Today it would be rebranded P90-Convict-Total-Hardcore-DVD-Kung-KaPow and sold at 3am on every cable channel. Jerry was the closest thing to a personal trainer I’ve ever had. In short: run-run-run crunch-crunch-crunch (not the yummy snackfood crunch either).
August, start of 8th grade – 220 pounds (plus a foot taller)
High School & other formative years
Pretty much stayed the same. I felt good. Looked good, but not an adonis, star athlete or anything.
Stopped going to the gym, but not sure why. I never got the concept of pointless body-building exercises. Just not my thing. Maybe it was because the muscle-heads couldn’t make it through 5 minutes of light aerobics. I saw more benefit in being able to run and maintain activity over power-lifting in 30 second spurts from positions you’ll never assume in daily life.
Graduation, 1996 – 215 pounds Note: This is 50 pounds less than I was in FIFTH grade or 11 years old.
The Roaring Twenties
Just before turning 21 my dad died suddenly and tragically. I spent my twenties depressed mostly.
Dad’s funeral – 220 pounds
One year later – 350 pounds (estimated. I didn’t weigh myself for years)
The Dot-com Bust
I finally got it together somewhat and started walking & trying to run at a nearby park. I would lay in the floor and cry in pain after 30 minute walks. My ankles would swell and cut off circulation to my feet. You know that feeling of your feet ‘waking up’ after being ‘asleep’; multiply by 100. I pushed through.
2002 – 330 pounds with solid abs under my fat after following an ab workout plan for a few months.
The Real Estate Bubble
After moving to a new apartment with a pool, tennis courts, and a gym…
2004 – 300 pounds
Hey! I said no transitional material didn’t I?
The Biggest Loser
Came in second in my office’s Biggest Loser contest. Started with the Biggest Loser 30-Day Jump Start book we had bought a year earlier. Took me 6 weeks to get through it. If I missed a day I didn’t care. I just refused to miss two-days in a row. I got a lot of great recipes that I still use.
After that was over the contest was half complete. I just kept working out however I could. I jogged for over a mile or did day 30’s workout again.
I was (and still am) working third shift. My greatest commitment was not to let late night schedules be an excuse, but rather an opportunity. I started going upstairs during my lunch hour and working out in the hallway. Push-ups, crunches, burpees, crab-walk to bear walk, dips (on the window sill), military press (with the fire extinguisher from the wall). Fat people got excuses. I got creative. I also added in an exercise mat and some elastic bands.
Now I’ve bought a kettlebell. It hates me I think. It definitely has no pity or remorse.
I’m also on the 100 Push-Up plan. http://hundredpushups.com/
2010 – 260 pounds and dropping
What does any of this have to do with beer (real or fictional)?
Beer is full of calories so it was complete fiction in my life for several weeks. The few Buds & Millers I had one weekend out of 12 don’t qualify as beer anyway.